I once was so full of passion, strength, & determination for God that I asked Him to do whatever it would take to break me & bring me ever so close to Him. I already was close to Him, I already loved Him more than anything in my life at that point. I wanted to do what He asked of me whatever it cost. I could feel Him in everything, everywhere. He was my everything.
I don’t know if my asking Him that was wise or the worst question I’ve ever asked at times. Nowadays I’m too afraid to ask anything like that again. Because after asking that, I was hit with some of the hardest battles I’ve ever faced for YEARS.
Not that I hadn’t faced some extremely hard battles before; but at some point, I was able to see a clearing, a place I could rest & enjoy the battles I had just endured. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know exactly when I lost sight of Him. I don’t know what caused me to think I had a better chance conquering the battles alone. I don’t know when I stopped trusting that He knew better than me & knew what was best for me. But I reached that point. I reached the point where I made an idol of myself & placed myself before God. I reached a point where I didn’t think He had my best in mind anymore. I mean, how could He let me go through all this? Didn’t He know how much I was hurting? Where was He when I called for Him?
I think all of us have to endure some extremely hard battles in this life. It may look different for each of us. We all have a different story & we all have different struggles based on what we’ve gone through in this life. And we each have a choice as to what & whom we are going to look to when we go through those battles. We can either look to ourselves & our situation & lose sight of the hope God has given us or we can look to God through it all & overcome those battles. Some of us may experience clearings where we can rest after those battles & some of us may not reach those clearings until our lives on this earth are over. But there’s hope. HE is hope.
Sometimes the battles we go through are a result of our sin or someone else’s sin, sometimes they’re just a result of sin in this world, period. Sometimes God allows us to go through things to teach us & sometimes He just allows us to go through things to draw us ever so close to Him. I think it’s our choice whether or not we allow those battles to draw us closer to God or further from Him. Unfortunately, I could have gotten closer to God through all I faced; but instead, after a while, I lost sight of Him & lost sight of hope. I let the hurt & struggles I faced harden my heart towards Him & others. And hurting people ALWAYS hurt others, whether intentionally or not- just by not being who we were created to be, by not reaching those we were created to reach.
I have yet to reach the point where I’ve allowed Him to completely answer my request of Him. But I have hope that He’s going to answer it someday. Slowly, but surely each battle I’ve faced has allowed me to reach the place where I’ve realized I can’t do this on my own. Nobody can. We need Him. I need Him. More than anything. I can’t do this alone. As I allow Him to break me, to soften my heart, He can finally start molding me again into the woman He created me to be.
Who/what do you look to when you go through different battles? What gives you hope?