A thousand thoughts racing through my head, yet none that seem coherent right now. Maybe it’s the time, busyness and exhaustion, or just the fact that I’ve birthed humans into the world, and “mom brain” should be allowed an excuse since one’s first conception.
Questions. I get asked a million a day it seems, yet the moment I try to think of a few asked recently to start this blog post, my mind goes blank. It seems that my oldest comes up with a whole new set of them as soon as she’s supposed to be in bed. Ugh. Not again. I’m not going to lie, she probably gets that from me. I’m always questioning everything. I wish knowing that gave me more empathy during the unending questions.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately how much God wants us asking questions and seeking. How much He wants us to be like little children, and little children are wired with a surplus of questions. I think it’s a problem when we get to the point that we don’t think that there are any questions left to be asking. If you don’t ask questions; you won’t seek. He promises that if we’ll seek; we’ll find. In the last few weeks, I’ve read “Face to Face with Jesus: A former Muslim’s extraordinary journey to Heaven and encounter with the God of love” by Samaa Habib and Bodie Thoene and “Only Love can Make a Miracle” by Mahesh Chavda (a former Hindu). Since Sunday, I’ve been reading “Something Other than God” by Jennifer Fulwiler (a former atheist). All three of them were seekers, wanting to know purpose and meaning in life. They were open and vulnerable, or at least got to that place over time.
I feel like no matter where I’m at, I’m always seeking more. I always have questions. It seems like so many don’t have questions and seem ok. I just don’t understand how others get to that place. When I feel complacent even for a little while, I feel like life seems so meaningless. I guess I don’t ever question whether God’s real, just because I’ve had some miraculous healings and experiences that I can’t deny. I feel like to deny He exists, is to deny myself in a way. I don’t know how to separate the two. I tried to once, but the hopelessness was so unbearable, that I didn’t think life was worth living. I realized that period of time stemmed more from being angry at God for allowing me to walk through years of what seemed like a dark tunnel with no end in site and what felt like an inability to breathe. I felt so incredibly uncertain of His love for me or my ability to improve anyone or anything’s quality of life at all. Thankfully, despite all that, God gave me a second chance, and a fresh new start. With that came even more questions. However, I’ve come to realize it’s good to be uncertain. Being uncertain keeps one humble, keeps one asking questions, and keeps one seeking. You can’t find what you don’t seek.
Keep. Asking. Questions.
Questions of Existence
Everyone’s bound to have an off day,
But what about more than two?
What if you spent the last few years
Realizing off-days are what got you through?
What do you consider an accomplishment?
How do you measure success?
What questions of life are you answering
When ignoring the Creator’s test?
Why do you drown out the silence
Whenever your thoughts run too deep?
Why do you ignore Purpose’ whisper
When asking you to take faith’s leap?
Why does loneliness hurt you so?
Seeking happiness from meaningless lovers
And when you find they’re just as selfish
You go searching for another?
And how do you view yourself?
Is happiness only found with perfect body size?
Then why are countless models killing themselves
After listening to society’s lies?
Have you ever wondered what you’re seeking
When your soul always hungers for more?
What are your reasons for living
When you have nothing you would die for?
Is life supposed to be an endless chase
To reach happiness on the “come-and-go?”
And while going this false route
Why does your conscience hurt you so?
Is life meant to be this painful?
Is love supposed to hurt?
After living your meaningless life
Do you just decay into dirt?
When you don’t know where you’re heading
Which direction should you go?
Are these questions you’d like to keep asking
Or would you really like to know?
And if someone found true answers
Would you take it as reason enough?
And would you be willing to keep on going
When the going gets real tough?
And what if one that found Truth
Said Jesus is the only way
Would you follow ’til it wasn’t so easy
And then again be led astray?
And now that you’ve heard truth
Have you counted the cost?
Between a life of gain
And a life always lost?
What’s it going to be,
Your response to His call?
Will you live a life worth living?
Or one worth nothing at all?