Questions

A thousand thoughts racing through my head, yet none that seem coherent right now. Maybe it’s the time, busyness and exhaustion, or just the fact that I’ve birthed humans into the world, and “mom brain” should be allowed an excuse since one’s first conception.

Questions. I get asked a million a day it seems, yet the moment I try to think of a few asked recently to start this blog post, my mind goes blank. It seems that my oldest comes up with a whole new set of them as soon as she’s supposed to be in bed. Ugh. Not again. I’m not going to lie, she probably gets that from me. I’m always questioning everything. I wish knowing that gave me more empathy during the unending questions.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately how much God wants us asking questions and seeking. How much He wants us to be like little children, and little children are wired with a surplus of questions. I think it’s a problem when we get to the point that we don’t think that there are any questions left to be asking. If you don’t ask questions; you won’t seek. He promises that if we’ll seek; we’ll find. In the last few weeks, I’ve read “Face to Face with Jesus: A former Muslim’s extraordinary journey to Heaven and encounter with the God of love” by Samaa Habib and Bodie Thoene and “Only Love can Make a Miracle” by Mahesh Chavda (a former Hindu). Since Sunday, I’ve been reading “Something Other than God” by Jennifer Fulwiler (a former atheist). All three of them were seekers, wanting to know purpose and meaning in life. They were open and vulnerable, or at least got to that place over time.

I feel like no matter where I’m at, I’m always seeking more. I always have questions. It seems like so many don’t have questions and seem ok. I just don’t understand how others get to that place. When I feel complacent even for a little while, I feel like life seems so meaningless. I guess I don’t ever question whether God’s real, just because I’ve had some miraculous healings and experiences that I can’t deny. I feel like to deny He exists, is to deny myself in a way. I don’t know how to separate the two. I tried to once, but the hopelessness was so unbearable, that I didn’t think life was worth living. I realized that period of time stemmed more from being angry at God for allowing me to walk through years of what seemed like a dark tunnel with no end in site and what felt like an inability to breathe. I felt so incredibly uncertain of His love for me or my ability to improve anyone or anything’s quality of life at all. Thankfully, despite all that, God gave me a second chance, and a fresh new start. With that came even more questions. However, I’ve come to realize it’s good to be uncertain. Being uncertain keeps one humble, keeps one asking questions, and keeps one seeking. You can’t find what you don’t seek.

Keep. Asking. Questions.

Questions of Existence
Everyone’s bound to have an off day,
But what about more than two?
What if you spent the last few years
Realizing off-days are what got you through?

What do you consider an accomplishment?
How do you measure success?
What questions of life are you answering
When ignoring the Creator’s test?

Why do you drown out the silence
Whenever your thoughts run too deep?
Why do you ignore Purpose’ whisper
When asking you to take faith’s leap?

Why does loneliness hurt you so?
Seeking happiness from meaningless lovers
And when you find they’re just as selfish
You go searching for another?

And how do you view yourself?
Is happiness only found with perfect body size?
Then why are countless models killing themselves
After listening to society’s lies?

Have you ever wondered what you’re seeking
When your soul always hungers for more?
What are your reasons for living
When you have nothing you would die for?

Is life supposed to be an endless chase
To reach happiness on the “come-and-go?”
And while going this false route
Why does your conscience hurt you so?

Is life meant to be this painful?
Is love supposed to hurt?
After living your meaningless life
Do you just decay into dirt?

When you don’t know where you’re heading
Which direction should you go?
Are these questions you’d like to keep asking
Or would you really like to know?

And if someone found true answers
Would you take it as reason enough?
And would you be willing to keep on going
When the going gets real tough?

And what if one that found Truth
Said Jesus is the only way
Would you follow ’til it wasn’t so easy
And then again be led astray?

And now that you’ve heard truth
Have you counted the cost?
Between a life of gain
And a life always lost?

What’s it going to be,
Your response to His call?
Will you live a life worth living?
Or one worth nothing at all?

-R.A.D.

Imperfection & If You’re Still Trying, You’re Not Failing

My daughter was around 9 months old here I think & I was 6 months' pregnant with my 2nd.

My daughter was around 9 months old here I think & I was 6 months’ pregnant with my 2nd.

*Again, a Facebook status that grew.*

Sometimes i just want to hug other moms. I want them to know they’re not alone. I want them to know that I’m FAR from perfect & while there are times I definitely try to stay on top of the cleaning & laundry & cooking & such-only because I know how hard it is to get caught up again-my house isn’t even close to being clean somedays. We have even more updated on our house than the pics I posted, but those areas are too messy to want to photograph or clean now-& not because I don’t want to be transparent (I think people who really know me know I can be a little too transparent at times 😉 ), but because I just want people to see the beauty of those areas the first time without the mess all around. I’ve told my sister & husband that any time I do any type of art project or work on one area, even if the cleaning was caught up before, I look around & don’t know if I should be upset or impressed with just how messy it can get in such a short amount of time & I even have my kids clean up most of their messes so I can’t even imagine if I didn’t have them do that.

I have 4 kids now obviously, & while some things are going to be just more stressful at times due to the increase in number, there are things that are also easier. Jesse’s probably our happiest baby yet simply because he has so many older siblings who love him & want to play with him or even that I “force” to hang out with him if I need to cook or do a load of laundry. (They mostly seem to fight over him when they don’t need to hang out with him & then when I need them to, nobody seems to want to hang out with him & I always tend to remind them of that fact. :-P) Seriously though, having 2 babies a year apart was one of the hardest times in my life. Having a newborn with a COMPLETELY reversed schedule & a 1 year old who needed me up during the day & marriage & life struggles & crazy-messed up hormones & more sleep deprivation than ever before (& I am very sleep-deprived at times) can make someone feel like they’re going to go insane. I went through some really dark times & I didn’t handle them well at all. Sometimes I wish I could do them over wanting to love my little cuties or hubby better, but there were so many times I felt like I was going through hell that I just don’t want to go through them again at all. You don’t have to have babies a year apart though to feel that way, and whatever you are going through, you are not alone.

The fact that you’re even concerned about whether or not you’re a good mom or good wife usually means you’re a great one & that you’re trying your hardest-even on days you HAVE to not try & do nothing just so you can catch your breath. I’ve been posting a lot of art lately & working on a lot of art these days because I feel like God’s finally answering some prayers I’ve had for decades-for real (I’m so excited for this). However, in order to do so, it usually involves me either not getting much sleep & having to kick my kids out of their toy room because we haven’t figured out a good designated art space yet in our new house & then feeling bad for not letting them in their toy room & letting them watch more “educational” videos than I usually would & because of my lack of sleep, trying to sleep in while nursing & starting school much later-like after lunch time even some days. I usually have to make all the meals here & try to cook pretty healthy, but especially while working on my art & being so busy lately, I asked Drew if he’d just pick up groceries last time & asked him to pick up all the easiest meals he can find where he can just heat them up for everyone & have often done the dishes the next day. Yesterday I helped paint at our church & I hadn’t showered since Wednesday when we last went to church. Not that unusual for me, to be honest.

I just want to share that I’m far from perfect. Really far. I usually only wear makeup at all when I go to church or someplace nice-which is not often & usually just because any time I decide to go a month or so without it, I have a hard time wearing anything even close to nice then because I’m an all or nothing person & when I’m on my “nothing” days, I look an awful lot like a homeless person. Unless I work out or have someplace to go, I probably haven’t showered either because I don’t see a point when I’m just hanging out with kids/homeschooling, cleaning/cooking/doing laundry, or painting/working on projects & as soon as I shower, I hate doing things that can make me dirty again so I usually avoid it so I can get more done. Seriously, I had days at the end of my pregnancy last year where I was working on so many projects on our house to sell it that I would just throw on Drew’s sweatshirt in Indy’s warm weather just so I didn’t have to put on a bra to pick up Bella at school & hoping nobody would notice. 😛

Maybe this is too much info, but I share all this because all my life I wanted to be like the Proverbs 31 woman because I not only felt like I needed to be her growing up in a Christian home, but probably had a huge insecurity that if I wasn’t this version of a perfect woman in my head, that there wasn’t much lovable about me. I have grown up with a huge spirit of rejection & I love a good challenge so much that I didn’t ever read about the Proverbs 31 woman as unattainable, but as a challenge to conquer. I’ve gone to so many women’s Bible studies where other ladies have written books about what they thought it looked like to be the Proverbs 31 woman & would often seem like they were bragging about how they seemed like one-so much so that they never even seemed to be at rest around their own husbands because they didn’t want to waste any time. Luckily for me, part of what they said being a Proverbs 31 woman was like was making their homes nice & some other gifts of mine, but as I started looking at all my unique & lovable friends who have different gifts which don’t look anything like that, I started thinking that I didn’t think they were failures as women; they just have different gifts. Why do we put so much on women or people in general to look & act a certain way & if they don’t, then they’re not being who God created them to be? My friends who are gifted differently can be just as close to God & just as much like a woman of valor with the gifts God has given them & they’re not failing when they don’t look like someone else’s version in their head. We’re all trying the best we can with what God has given us & if you’re trying & sometimes just surrendering (to God), you’re not failing.

Blah. Enough of my long, never ending rant that trailed off way more than I planned, but probably not more than I expected. 😉

Some other super awesome articles to read: this & this one -that I was reminded of that are so encouraging & not at all like a rant like mine & written much better.