*Again, a Facebook status that grew.*
Sometimes i just want to hug other moms. I want them to know they’re not alone. I want them to know that I’m FAR from perfect & while there are times I definitely try to stay on top of the cleaning & laundry & cooking & such-only because I know how hard it is to get caught up again-my house isn’t even close to being clean somedays. We have even more updated on our house than the pics I posted, but those areas are too messy to want to photograph or clean now-& not because I don’t want to be transparent (I think people who really know me know I can be a little too transparent at times 😉 ), but because I just want people to see the beauty of those areas the first time without the mess all around. I’ve told my sister & husband that any time I do any type of art project or work on one area, even if the cleaning was caught up before, I look around & don’t know if I should be upset or impressed with just how messy it can get in such a short amount of time & I even have my kids clean up most of their messes so I can’t even imagine if I didn’t have them do that.
I have 4 kids now obviously, & while some things are going to be just more stressful at times due to the increase in number, there are things that are also easier. Jesse’s probably our happiest baby yet simply because he has so many older siblings who love him & want to play with him or even that I “force” to hang out with him if I need to cook or do a load of laundry. (They mostly seem to fight over him when they don’t need to hang out with him & then when I need them to, nobody seems to want to hang out with him & I always tend to remind them of that fact. :-P) Seriously though, having 2 babies a year apart was one of the hardest times in my life. Having a newborn with a COMPLETELY reversed schedule & a 1 year old who needed me up during the day & marriage & life struggles & crazy-messed up hormones & more sleep deprivation than ever before (& I am very sleep-deprived at times) can make someone feel like they’re going to go insane. I went through some really dark times & I didn’t handle them well at all. Sometimes I wish I could do them over wanting to love my little cuties or hubby better, but there were so many times I felt like I was going through hell that I just don’t want to go through them again at all. You don’t have to have babies a year apart though to feel that way, and whatever you are going through, you are not alone.
The fact that you’re even concerned about whether or not you’re a good mom or good wife usually means you’re a great one & that you’re trying your hardest-even on days you HAVE to not try & do nothing just so you can catch your breath. I’ve been posting a lot of art lately & working on a lot of art these days because I feel like God’s finally answering some prayers I’ve had for decades-for real (I’m so excited for this). However, in order to do so, it usually involves me either not getting much sleep & having to kick my kids out of their toy room because we haven’t figured out a good designated art space yet in our new house & then feeling bad for not letting them in their toy room & letting them watch more “educational” videos than I usually would & because of my lack of sleep, trying to sleep in while nursing & starting school much later-like after lunch time even some days. I usually have to make all the meals here & try to cook pretty healthy, but especially while working on my art & being so busy lately, I asked Drew if he’d just pick up groceries last time & asked him to pick up all the easiest meals he can find where he can just heat them up for everyone & have often done the dishes the next day. Yesterday I helped paint at our church & I hadn’t showered since Wednesday when we last went to church. Not that unusual for me, to be honest.
I just want to share that I’m far from perfect. Really far. I usually only wear makeup at all when I go to church or someplace nice-which is not often & usually just because any time I decide to go a month or so without it, I have a hard time wearing anything even close to nice then because I’m an all or nothing person & when I’m on my “nothing” days, I look an awful lot like a homeless person. Unless I work out or have someplace to go, I probably haven’t showered either because I don’t see a point when I’m just hanging out with kids/homeschooling, cleaning/cooking/doing laundry, or painting/working on projects & as soon as I shower, I hate doing things that can make me dirty again so I usually avoid it so I can get more done. Seriously, I had days at the end of my pregnancy last year where I was working on so many projects on our house to sell it that I would just throw on Drew’s sweatshirt in Indy’s warm weather just so I didn’t have to put on a bra to pick up Bella at school & hoping nobody would notice. 😛
Maybe this is too much info, but I share all this because all my life I wanted to be like the Proverbs 31 woman because I not only felt like I needed to be her growing up in a Christian home, but probably had a huge insecurity that if I wasn’t this version of a perfect woman in my head, that there wasn’t much lovable about me. I have grown up with a huge spirit of rejection & I love a good challenge so much that I didn’t ever read about the Proverbs 31 woman as unattainable, but as a challenge to conquer. I’ve gone to so many women’s Bible studies where other ladies have written books about what they thought it looked like to be the Proverbs 31 woman & would often seem like they were bragging about how they seemed like one-so much so that they never even seemed to be at rest around their own husbands because they didn’t want to waste any time. Luckily for me, part of what they said being a Proverbs 31 woman was like was making their homes nice & some other gifts of mine, but as I started looking at all my unique & lovable friends who have different gifts which don’t look anything like that, I started thinking that I didn’t think they were failures as women; they just have different gifts. Why do we put so much on women or people in general to look & act a certain way & if they don’t, then they’re not being who God created them to be? My friends who are gifted differently can be just as close to God & just as much like a woman of valor with the gifts God has given them & they’re not failing when they don’t look like someone else’s version in their head. We’re all trying the best we can with what God has given us & if you’re trying & sometimes just surrendering (to God), you’re not failing.
Blah. Enough of my long, never ending rant that trailed off way more than I planned, but probably not more than I expected. 😉